Like many of you, I read a slew of astrological articles related to the Great American Eclipse, wondering what massive shifts it would hold for me.
I felt them happening in the two weeks between the full moon lunar eclipse and the new moon solar eclipse in Leo.
Something was shifting – a new discipline.
My home was getting upgraded and reorganized, with better furniture and better use of vertical space. My readiness and commitment to sharing GUMPTION with the world was becoming clear – it’s time, it’s time, it’s time. A drumbeat behind me.
But also, with it, came the shadow.
The shadow I had been told might rear it’s ugly head on the eclipse, which I so wanted to keep at bay. To use the day as a high vibe tool – meditating and setting intentions and the like.
I find it absolutely hilarious right now that I did nothing of the sort.
Okay, well, I did do a bit. I wrote what I was releasing on one page of my journal and what I was bringing in on another page and just after the eclipse I tore up the page of what I was letting go. I also performed a Universal Health Principles session on myself, which brought up and released my fear of the world ending and gave me the permission, “I allow my dream to live in the real world.”
Swiftly after that, things fell apart.
In the car all morning, coming back from my 1st wedding anniversary celebratory trip to Vermont, I was not very much in my body. I had spent the weekend indulging in wine and sweets and had meant to get back on my usual healthy food track for the week.
But in the afternoon of the eclipse I was so caught up in my head, I fell into old patterns. Patterns of confusion and overwhelm, refusing to move. I ate too much, a few spoonfuls of peanut butter, dinner out of a can of soup and a whole chocolate bar all in one go. Compared to the binges of older times, this was nothing. And I forced myself to mentally not feel so bad about it (the physical feeling bad happens anyhow, but your brain can do quite a bit to keep it in perspective). I also binged on my guilty pleasure tv show, Gossip Girl, which I have almost finished for the second time. I am sure it will be my last, but something in me just wants to indulge in the drama and beauty and lust of New York City high life. In some ways, it’s a show that reminds me how far I’ve come since I moved to New York at 18, and since I first watched the show at 22.
And then I went to bed, disappointed in what I had let the day become. I thought I was over all of that and ready to bring my vision into the world. Morning of the eclipse, I had even written and shared:
I am ready for the quantum leap of this eclipse. I am ready to share my gifts at a bigger level than ever before. I am ready to raise the awareness of the wholeness, harmony and radiance inherent in our world and our bodies, and train myself and others how to connect more deeply with it and express it.
I am ready to speak more freely in where my studies and experiments have taken me in 2017 - into abundant joy, exuberant discipline and ever-expanding consciousness.
I am ready to claim what I have learned and be humble in all I have not.
Ever-seeking. Ever-deepening. And also, so deeply at home in the quiet of my soul, when I tune into innate wisdom and guidance that is always there for me.
Words are beautiful - and I have no delusion that I dwell here most of my day - BUT, accessing it at all, and slowly growing it's portion of the pie of, say, Monday, August 21st, is an intention I am setting. And claiming it with words, publicly, may be bolder than any secret I've ever revealed in story or song.
It has, at times, been so difficult to show the innocent faithful hope of my heart, for how much I bought into the lie that cynicism and intellect is the more advanced viewpoint. It is not. Magic and wonder and perfection have always been afoot in the construction of our cells, let us claim it.
And then I devolved into claiming the couch.
Immediately humbling for sure, but here I am writing from the other side. The Wednesday after the eclipse, in which Tuesday started in a similarly confused and overwhelmed place. What is the RIGHT way to bring my vision forth? Can I plan this so well that I never have to make a mistake, get it wrong, or fail? Can I?!?!?
But luckily, with the help of my own advice (I do teach people how to get out of their heads and into their wholeness after all!) plus a synchronistic Facebook Live from Sarah Kleiner (thanks, lady!), I got my groove back. I got outside for a walk, did some exercise, shared my truth, then took a show and set up my video camera. With just half an hour left before I had to leave, I started speaking from inspiration around the thing I had known I was supposed to create, but kept turning over in my head on how to do it perfectly.
I can’t. I give up doing it perfectly. I get it done.
Then, I traveled up to the South Bronx to co-facilitate a workshop called Operation Conversation Cops and Kids, which uses performance techniques to bring together NYPD and Black and Latino kids from the inner city. Being a part of these workshops and the difference they make in the lives of teenagers who are terrified and angry at cops, and cops who are discouraged and angry at how the community and particularly the media views them is so life-affirming. The founder, Dr. Lenora Fulani has more gumption than maybe anyone I know, but that will be a story for another time.
The point is – our shadows and old habits will emerge sometimes. Particularly when the energy is great, or the journey ahead is about to begin – because it’s scary to face so much potential. I caved into old uncomfortable comforts and I’m not proud of that, but I am proud of handling it better than in the past. Of starting anew and taking imperfect, yet inspired action. And showing up for the page today – and for you.